exhausted to even think of a first date

I think I’m finally at the point where even the thought of a first date is exhausting. Hinge is the last dating app I’m on and still, occasionally, I’ll match with somebody, they’ll send me a message asking what I do professionally, or what I like to read, and it just feels like Groundhog’s Day. Feels like I’ve been on my feet for hours, I just got a chance to sit down, and now I’m standing up again.

Occasionally the match is with somebody I find exceptionally attractive, I’ll feel a spark of energy about going through the introduction again, toeing the line and trying not to fuck things up, but it’s not the natural excitement of meeting somebody at a party, or a bar, or at work and finding, in the first few minutes of casual conversation, that you’ve got a really comfortable and tumblesome rapport with this person.

            I went out for drinks a couple weeks ago with a really cool person and I was meaning to get back in touch with them this week but I had the car accident last weekend, I’ve got the flu right now, I’ve had all of these unforeseen expenses that makes the prospect of going out on a pricey date kinda foreboding—and everybody tells me, when I mention the issue of how expensive it is to be going on all these dates, that I’m being ridiculous, that dates don’t have to be expensive, that I shouldn’t go out with somebody who isn’t gonna pick up their share of the check.

            This just doesn’t seem realistic to me.

Lucien and Me, Celia Paul

            Whether it’s antiquated or sexist or stupid, whatever—I like to pick up the tab on dates, and to be able to invite my date to get whatever she wants, in the same way that some people like to be the person who shoulders you aside and does the dishes, who like to host the party, to do things that might seem unpleasant but provide a certain satisfaction.

            Would I go on more dates if they were cheaper?

            Maybe.

            I do like the simple act of meeting new people and gabbing for a bit over drinks.

            But ahdunno. I’m really not feeling up for it lately. I’m looking toward the people I’ve been on dates with recently, whether the bonds have been strong or not, and I’m thinking, “Well, we’ve already got the first one outta the way, why not give it another shot?”

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