the photographer ghosts

After a couple dates with a certain person of interest, a photographer, I think I’m gonna let things fizzle out. This person is very sweet and interesting and fun, but she’s never once initiated a conversation with me. Rare is the occasion that I send a text that’s answered within the hour

            I was telling my friend Ingrid about this and she told me about finally being done, herself, with that period of her life where she’d tie herself into even moderate knots over people who didn’t reciprocate the same degree of interest. Not even just romantically, either. Says she’s done with lukewarm friends as well. Basically that she’s only really interested int alking to people who delight in talking with her, and with whom she, by turn, delights in speaking.

            I hadn’t heard somebody put it that way before but it makes a lotta sense.

Photo by Christopher McKenney

            There’s a definite feeling servility whenever I’m trying to attract the photographer’s attention via text every couple days. I feel like a magician at a kid’s party. Constantly tryna pull some sparklesome new thing out of a pocket, a sleeve. Bending and leaning in order to grab and hold her attention.

            The photographer person seems really guarded, though; not to the degree that like she shuts down during a conversation, or deflects questions. But she’s got this authoritative and self-assured vibe that somehow, while standing tall and sporting a broad wingspan, also communicates the fact that it dwells at the center of a tightly-shuttered box.

            And so, given that self-protectiveness, I’m wondering if her relative radio silence is a sign of disinterest, or is she just the kinda person for whom you need to show up. Like is she maybe just the sorta person who’s perfectly well-intentioned and interested but just needs a little more effort and patience and reassurance from her partner?

            So there’s this conflict between wanting to be dignified and considerate about his. Like, I wanna be considerate of how she needs/wants to be approached, but I’m also feeling this flourish of what’s either self-esteem or hubris that’s like, hey, I am at least interesting enough to warrant an occasional greeting via text. Right?

            This is a sensible point, right?

            I literally need you to tell me.

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