things i should keep to myself but don’t

I wouldn’t go so far as to say that it’s frustrating but it does kinda put me on edge to be in this habit now of mining my personal life for blog material, and to’ve cultivated this very cathartic habit of confiding intimate shit here, because I can sometimes forget that other people are actually reading the things I’m writing. What’s putting me on edge is that I’ve now got this reflex, whenever a very sincere or urgent thought comes to mind, where I think, Oh, that’s material, lemme make a note of that.

            But I’m also dating, and actively failing at dating, and so if I’ve been talking with somebody for any serious length of time, such that the other person and I are starting to cultivate a dynamic, well then suddenly it’s this whole new social apparatus that I’m obsessing over; and, since I’m the kinda person who deliberates about like the wordcount and meter and tone of every text (not in a pleasant way), I end up wanting (needing) to explore those hangups in writing. I need the catharsis. And but then I wanna put that writing here on the site because it very much fits with all the other stuff and I think it’d make for a clearer portrait of your narrator here if you, as a regular reader, know that, Oh well he’s obsessing over this particular aspect of the movie because the woman he’s talking to just said some weirdly libidinous thing about cats.

But! The site is such a huge part of my life that I have to mention it on dates when the other person asks me about myself—which becomes risky if I really like that person because if they should then choose, at some point between dates, to come over here and read my site, which is essentially my diary, and they see me dissecting our conversation, our dynamic, then it might influence that dynamic, and probably not in a good way.

           Probably almost definitely not in a good way.

            And, given my habitual failure at dating, I think that my cultivation of a good dynamic with somebody (anybody), however nuanced or strange, is something I should be protective of (i.e. secretive about).

            This is basically Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principal, right?

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3 comments

  • This is actually one of the reasons I have two blogs – you found me over on WadsWords, but then I broke all the movie stuff away into a separate blog for partly that reason. Maybe an avenue to consider?

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    • Was that the reason? I thought it was more out of a concern about cinephiles not having to sift for the movie stuff. I think my whole thing here is about integrating the viewer and the critique. I want people to be able to see my thoughts about why, say, the dynamic between Grant and Hepburn is frustrating in BRINGING UP BABY and then they can say, “Well, look at his diary, naturally he’d think that.” It’s kinda narcissistic but…meh.

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      • There are actually a handful of reasons why I broke it out. Ease of separating the audiences if I wanted to, a couple of promotional ideas, a host of reasons….sounds like you prefer a gestalt approach though.

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