I’ve been working on freelance stuff at the coffee shop all day and just now, walking home at 8 PM, I got caught in a sudden rain and popped into the taqueria across from my apartment, ordered a beer, and now I’m writing this at the bar, waiting for it to pass.

Tonight at 6 I stepped away from the coffee shop for a beer at Redbar (which hit me kinda hard on account of I skipped lunch, and was maybe dehydrated from all the coffee) and after a bit of banter with the bar tender about how we both worked at Cheesecake Factory (different locations, same time) I sent a text to Reason, who’s studying for a final, just to tell her, tipsy, that I was sitting in the spot where we first got a drink, thinking about her, wishing her luck with studies—saccharine shit that I should not be doing, however well it’s received, because even if it’s sincere and even if we’re at a point where this kinda candor is forgivable (if not expected), it’s just a heavy thing to say to somebody. It suggests an interest in developing something more serious than I might want. Or if not more serious than what I want, something more serious than maybe I can handle.

It’s also kinda one-sided, if I’m honest—which isn’t a knock at her, nothing like that, but today at the coffee shop, over the course of a crazy number of hours on this freelance stuff, I saw two different couples, nothing extraordinary, where the two people in either pair were crazy about each other. Fucking clawing at each other, crawling in and out of each other’s laps, walking around the table to kiss each other on the cheek.

I was looking at this like, “Aw, I want that!” All lovelorn and doe-eyed and tender.

But then I remembered that I probably actually don’t.

Yeah it looks fun, looks warm and nice, but it also looks very time-consuming, and expensive. Distracting.

Ahdunno. I mentioned that one of the things I was looking for probably more than physical intimacy is the kind of affectionate banter you get to have in a relationship. I like sending those kidnsa texts, writing those kindsa notes.

But listen, the rain’s letting up, I’ve still got some work to do, I should be heading out.