the calm

She came over again on Wednesday night and we ended things for good and I’m feeling kinda quiet right now, inside, like there isn’t much I wanna think or talk about. I don’t feel as crushed as I did when we broke up last week (which we joked about this morning, how all this practice is making us better at it), but I definitely don’t feel totally present. I’ve got some work things I need to do, and the tasks are all fraught with more pressure than usual because my boss is outta town and outta reach and I don’t think I can cover all of his ground and we’re standing at a critical juncture.

My local library is sending me emails to say that a handful of DVDs I ordered for the Project have arrived and I know I should go get them but I’m wondering if I will.

We broke up in bed last night and this morning woke up early and had a nice long breakfast in South Miami, at a place called Deli Lane, and afterward we kissed in her car and said goodbye and promised to be there for one another but mentioned at the same time that we’d be giving each other some space. Then I drove to work.

At work I did some reading and helped a few students and eventually ate lunch and sighed a lot throughout.

This isn’t good, but it isn’t terrible yet.

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4 comments

  • Survivor of enough breakups checking in:

    You don’t need to right away, but I am gently suggesting that you pick up the next DVDs. Having a Thing To Do will help.

    Giving yourself a few days to just Feel Things also helps too.

    Take care.

    Like

    • You’re right, I know it. I’ll stop at the library on my way back from work tomorrow. Spend Sunday streaking through it. And I appreciate what you’re saying about giving myself permission to just kinda space out for a few days. I told myself, right after the breakup, that now was a good time to double down on the Project, watch movies from dawn to dusk, but now I’m realizing I don’t quite have the energy for that and there’s some guilt about it. A feeling like I’m letting myself down. Making things worse. But, like you say, I probably just need a few days.

      Like

  • I just thought this meditation that has helped me
    in the past, may fit the situation–
    “Meditation is not a way of making your mind quiet.
    It is a way of entering into the quiet that is already there –
    buried under the 50,000 thoughts
    the average person thinks every day.” D. Chopra
    Your mind travels at speeds exceeding 50K thoughs per minute, so
    it may be difficult. However , I am sure you will manage.

    Take Care.

    Like

    • Oh man, I love that idea. The silence that’s already there. Frankly, I feel like that’s where my head was at all of yesterday. Felt a little like shock but also a little like…reaching some kinda new depth. Ahdunno.

      Like

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